Winter Song
by Birdieq
Summary: One-shot songfic based on the song by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson. Addison and Alex struggle with fertility issues.


**A/N: I was watching some old episodes of Grey's and was reminded of how much I loved Winter Song by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson when it played in S5E15. It's so haunting and sad yet somehow comforting and hopeful and it inspired me. I have four stories begging for my attention, so I did the only logical thing I could - wrote a completely unnecessary, angsty, sad little Addex oneshot songfic that no one asked for. It's a bit different than my usual stuff, but I hope you enjoy it.**

…..

Alex finds Callie in the locker room and beckons her to a quiet corner. "Hey, I, um, I need a favor. A huge one."

"Of course. What's up?"

"Can you pick Scarlett up from daycare tomorrow and keep her overnight?"

"Of course, that's no big deal. What's up?" Callie thinks for a second, then tilts her head, taking in his red-rimmed eyes. "Oh, Addie had an appointment this morning…"

Alex nods slowly, stares at the floor. "Yeah."

 _Doctor Chen spends way too long moving the ultrasound wand around on Addison's belly; they already know what she's going to say before she opens her mouth._

 _When Scarlett turned one, they had decided she needed a sibling. They were excited when it only took two months of trying but now, sixteen weeks in, their excitement is suddenly turning to heartbreak. "There's no heartbeat. I'm sorry."_

 _She gives them some time to process the news before moving on. "It appears that the fetus stopped growing about three weeks ago. As you're well aware, infection is a major concern at this point so waiting for a natural miscarriage isn't an option, but I can indu-"_

" _No, just schedule a d and c." Addison can appreciate that some women in her shoes relish the opportunity to go through labor, but she'd rather just get it over with._

" _Okay. I can get you in tomorrow morning, if that works for you."_

"Oh, Alex. I'm so sorry."

"Yeah, me too."

…..

The next morning Addison plasters Scarlett with an overabundance of kisses. "Remember, Aunt Callie is picking you up tonight, and you're having a sleepover at her house." Of course the toddler won't remember, but it makes Addison feel a teeny bit better to at least try to prepare the child.

Alex waits in the parking lot for Callie and Arizona, hands over Scarlett's overnight bag and car seat, then meets Addison in the outpatient procedure unit.

He squeezes her hand, kisses her forehead before she's taken to the OR, waits until she's out of sight before shedding a few tears for their lost baby.

The anesthesia does a number on her, and she spends the first hour post-op shivering violently and, despite the fact that she's eaten nothing since the previous morning, vomiting into a pink plastic basin while he holds her hair away from her face, rubs her back, wipes her face with a cool cloth. It's not fun for either one but, if they're honest, it's a welcome, if only fleeting, distraction from the sadness they'll have to face eventually.

When they get home she's still feeling woozy and the stairs are intimidating, so he gets her settled on the couch with a blanket and some Advil, and lets her sleep off the lingering effects of anesthesia and heartache. She rouses after a few hours and he brings her chicken soup that doesn't stay down, then ginger ale and crackers that do. They spend the rest of the day huddled on the couch, staring at the TV as Alex mindlessly flips through the channels and she occasionally drifts in and out of fitful sleep.

Despite the on and off napping, she's clearly drained and by eight o'clock they're upstairs; she's out like a light before Alex is even ready for bed. He sneaks out into the hall and calls Callie. Arizona answers and insists everything is fine. He can hear Scarlett wailing forlornly in the background as Callie sings a lullaby - he can picture her swaying back and forth, the toddler perched on her hip - but chooses to believe Arizona because he's not sure how much more _not fine_ he can handle right now. He tells her to give Scarlett a kiss for him and crawls into bed with his wife.

Around midnight he stirs and finds her curled tightly on her side, facing away from him and whimpering into her pillow. "Add, you okay?" No response. "Cramps?" She nods. He moves closer and wraps an arm around her waist just as she begins to sob. He wants so badly to tell her everything will be okay but it won't, not for a while, so he just holds her, strokes her hair, and cries with her until she's calm. She's clearly still in pain so he checks the clock. "It's been four hours. You want more Advil?"

"Yeah. I think I left it downstairs. Can you get me some water while you're down there?"

"Of course." She's coming out of the bathroom as he returns with the requested items, and he's pretty sure she's wearing different pajama pants. "Are you bleeding?"

"Just a little. Nothing out of the ordinary," she assures him before downing the pills with half of the water, but an hour later he wakes up to an empty bed and the bathroom light is on. He finds her perched on the toilet.

"Jesus, Add -"

Her voice is calm as she interrupts him. "I'm fine. It's totally normal." But she's completely soaked through her pad and the pajama pants around her ankles are badly stained, which he finds pretty concerning.

"Maybe we should go to the hospital…"

She snaps. " _Maybe_ you should make yourself useful and go get me something to wear instead of standing there acting like you know more than me when _I'm_ the goddamn gynecologist here."

He opens his mouth to protest, but she glares at him and he changes his mind. He fetches clean panties and pajama pants, stomping his feet and slamming drawers as he does so, but her voice is contrite when she thanks him, her eyes large and sad in her peaked face, and he can't stay mad.

"It is normal, really. If it doesn't stop by morning we'll go, okay?" she concedes softly as she washes her hands.

He knows that much bleeding isn't really normal, and he thinks she probably knows that he knows, but he also knows that the hospital is the last place either of them wants to be right now so he gives in. At least he's a doctor and can keep an eye on her, he tells himself. "Fine." He picks up the soiled clothing and drops it in the hamper, but not before confirming his earlier suspicions.

She wraps her arms around him and kisses him. "I'm sorry. I'm just...tired." Tired doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of what either one of them is feeling, but he understands what is left unsaid. She allows her head to rest on his shoulder for a moment before they head back to bed.

They crawl under the covers and drift back to sleep, but not an hour and a half later she's jolted into consciousness by cramps even worse than before. She can feel the wetness between her legs and groans. "Alex?" She rolls over, and he's so close that she unintentionally elbows him in the chest, sending him into a panic.

"What? What is it? Are you okay?" She turns on the bedside lamp and throws the covers off. It's worse than she thought - not only are her pajamas soaked through, but the sheets as well - and they both gasp. "Add, we're going _now_."

She nods and gets up, heading for the bathroom. "What are you doing? We need -"

"I have to change! I'm not going to the hospital like _this_!"

"It's the fucking pit! Everyone there has seen worse. Come on."

She knows by the tone of his voice that he's not interested in arguing, so she lets him lead her to the car. In the emergency room it is determined that her uterus was perforated during the d and c, and Alex is left waiting while she goes back to the OR.

…..

They wait six months before trying again; this time it doesn't come so easily, and eventually they turn to a fertility specialist.

" _I've seen much worse cases than this. I'll give you a baby," the doctor promises, and they jump into treatment full of hope._

It turns out that their hope was, perhaps, premature, and three rounds of treatment later Alex finds Addison sobbing in the shower as the water turns cold. There's a pregnancy test on the counter; _not pregnant_.

He undresses and gets in the shower with her. "Add, it's okay. We'll try again."

"It's not okay! We're never going to have another baby!"

"We will. We still have options, we'll try something else next time."

"But what if it doesn't work?"

"It will. We'll keep trying until we find something that works."

She's not quite sure why, but she believes him.

And, it turns out, he was right. Their very next attempt is successful, but she loses the baby at nine weeks. The next time, she barely makes it two days after peeing on that damn stick before she wakes up to find blood on her panties. The third time isn't the charm either; they make it to twelve weeks, but a week after announcing to their friends and families that they're expecting, they have to go back and tell them that they're not.

Alex wants to stop trying, look into surrogacy, adoption, anything else, but Addison convinces him to give it one last shot. She makes it to twelve weeks, but they keep it to themselves. At sixteen weeks everything looks good but they still don't want to jinx it. Week twenty passes with quiet, cautious optimism. At twenty-four weeks they celebrate - while they'd prefer to keep their son in Addison's womb for another sixteen weeks, he has at the very least reached viability - and announce what everyone has already suspected for a couple of months. It's smooth sailing from there, and at thirty-nine weeks they're giddy with anticipation, knowing that Michael Alexander Karev will be joining them any day now.

…..

On the first of December, a crisp, sunny morning three days shy of Addison's due date, Alex runs to the store for milk, bread, eggs, and bananas - and cinnamon buns, Addison's latest pregnancy craving. He's in and out of the store in under twenty minutes, then heads for home.

He rounds the corner to their street as an ambulance whizzes past, siren blaring. He thinks nothing of it until he's a block from home and realizes it's parked near their house. No, in front of their house, and a paramedic is banging on the front door. He pushes past the man, unlocks the door, and comes face-to-face with Scarlett, whose hands and t-shirt are sticky with blood.

The next fifteen minutes are a blur, and before he knows it he's in the emergency room with no clue how he got there, passing his four-year-old off to Meredith; Callie and Arizona, his first choice for last-minute childcare, have just taken Sofia home from the hospital and Callie is still recovering from the accident so they're unavailable.

Richard forbids Alex from entering the OR and the gallery, so he paces the waiting room for what seems like an eternity before Bailey appears with an update and he hits his knees.

…..

The sun is sinking low before she wakes up. He's perched on the edge of the bed; she can feel him shaking and knows he's crying. "Alex?"

He turns at the sound of her voice, raspy and weak, and in the dim light she sees the tears coursing down his face. He leans down and kisses her forehead, caresses her cheek. "Oh, thank God you're awake," he murmurs as he tucks a lock of disheveled red hair behind her ear.

"Alex, where's Michael? What happened?" She remembers the pain that hit as she and Scarlett arranged the porcelain manger set on the living room mantle, hitting the floor, yelling at Scarlett to bring her the phone as blood pooled under her. She doesn't remember anything after that but she's an OB/GYN, a damn good one at that, and she doesn't _really_ have to ask, but she needs to hear it to believe it.

He reaches for her hands and takes a few shaky breaths. "You had a placental abruption. You lost too much blood, Add. He didn't make it. They couldn't resuscitate him."

She knew it was coming, but it doesn't hurt any less. She barely recognizes the sound that comes from her throat, and they cling to each other for dear life.

Finally he pulls away and glances at the bassinet in the corner of the room. "You...you want to see him?" She nods through her tears, and it feels like a punch to the gut when he lays the baby, still and silent, in her arms.

"He's beautiful," she chokes out.

He nods in agreement, and they spend the next hour memorizing every inch of their son. Ten fingers and ten toes, a button nose just like his sister's, a thatch of pale blond hair on a round little head; a hefty eight pounds, four ounces of perfection that was never meant to be theirs.

…..

Two weeks later Alex wakes up to find a little nose inches from his. It's still dark, not even a hint of sunrise visible out the window. "Go back to bed," he orders. After four bedtime stories, two drinks of water, a frantic search for a teddy bear she hasn't paid a lick of attention to in at least six months, three trips to the potty - during which he's certain she did absolutely nothing - a wardrobe change _because these jammies are itchy_ , and about a million questions urgently requiring answers, he's out of patience.

"I can't."

"Yes, you can. Go."

"But daddy, I had an accident."

He exhales loudly, and replies even louder as he throws the covers back. "Again? You've been to the bathroom three times. What the hell were you doing?"

Scarlett bursts into tears as Addison eases herself out of bed. "Baby, go wait in the bathroom and take your jammies off. I'll be right there." She waits for the girl to shuffle down the hall before glaring at Alex. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"That's the fourth night in a row she's wet the bed, and she's refused to just go to bed and stay there since you came home! I can't take her bedtime games any more. I just want one night of uninterrupted sleep!"

"She's scared, Alex, and sad, and confused. She watched me bleed out on the living room floor, and doesn't understand why she isn't getting the baby brother we promised her, and could use a little patience right now. But don't worry, I got this. You can go back to sleep."

He sighs as she hurries to the bathroom to tend to their daughter. They'd spent five days huddled together in her hospital room grieving together, but ever since she came home it seems like all they do is fight; she pushes him away when he tries to hold her and snaps _I'm fine_ any time he asks if she's okay. He's tempted to just go back to sleep but he knows Scarlett isn't the only one that deserves a little patience so he stomps down the hall and changes the sheets on Scarlett's white four-poster bed.

Addison is carrying a towel-wrapped Scarlett out of the bathroom by the time he's done. He tries to take her. "You're not supposed to lift anything over ten pounds."

"I'm fine!" she spits, and he tries to protest but that only strengthens her resolve so he steps out of the way.

He goes back to his room and waits. Fifteen minutes. Twenty. Thirty. Addison still isn't back, so he gets up and returns to Scarlett's room. He finds mother and daughter fast asleep under the pink and yellow quilt, and goes back to bed alone.

…..

Christmas comes and goes in a fog. There's a tree - a small one that Addison let Scarlett decorate - and a mountain of presents, but it doesn't feel like the holiday they once loved. Addison watches and tries to fake enthusiasm as Scarlett shreds paper and squeals over every gift, then spends the rest of the day dozing on the couch. Alex helps Scarlett assemble a dollhouse, feigns interest in the half dozen new dolls she received, then bundles her up and pulls her around the yard in her new sled even though there is barely two inches of snow on the ground. Callie stops by to drop off dinner and more gifts. Finally it's bedtime. After hugs and kisses he tucks their plaid flannel pajama-clad daughter into bed - along with the Merida doll she had begged for for months - and flops down on the couch with Addison.

He's slightly surprised when she doesn't glare at him, or shoo him away. They sit in silence for a while before she scoots over and rests her head on his shoulder. "It's just so wrong," she finally says, her voice soft, barely above a whisper. "He was supposed to be here. It's not right. He should be here."

He wraps an arm around her. "I know, babe. I know."

…..

Alex picks Scarlett up from daycare - sure, Addison still has at least a month of medical leave left, but he doesn't think she's really capable, physically or emotionally, of caring for an active four-year-old all day right now so he brings her every day - and heads home. It's already dark out, but there isn't a single light on downstairs - not that he expected any different. _Mommy still doesn't feel good_ he says when their daughter comments on the darkness and asks for Addison.

He feeds her Kraft macaroni and cheese for the third night in a row because he's too tired to attempt anything else, bathes her, and brings her to the master bedroom wrapped in a hooded unicorn towel and smelling of Johnson's baby shampoo and bubble gum toothpaste. Addison is curled up in bed, facing away from the door, but he can tell by the stiffness of her body, the rhythm of her breathing, that she's awake. "Someone wants to say goodnight."

She slowly pulls herself to a sitting position, forces a smile, and reaches for Scarlett. "Hey, I missed you today. Did you have fun?"

Scarlett snuggles in and regales her mother with the minutiae of daycare life, from who she played with to what they read at story time, until she's yawning. After half a dozen rounds of kisses, _I love you,_ and _I love you more_ Alex scoops her up. Soon she's bundled in snowman-print footie pajamas and snoring amid a menagerie of stuffed animals, and Alex returns to his wife; she's back in the fetal position but still awake, and he sinks down on the edge of the bed.

"So, I know it hasn't even been a month yet, and we haven't talked about adoption since...before…"

" _Addison, are you_ sure _you want to do this again?"_

 _They've been through six rounds of fertility treatments, which resulted in three pregnancies - and three first-trimester miscarriages - in a year after taking some time off following the disastrous d &c. None of it was easy, but Alex supported Addison through the mood swings, the weird food cravings, and the depression. The last round, though, resulted in an extreme buildup of fluid in her abdominal cavity, which led to her passing out halfway through surgery, and he's not so sure he's willing to support her any more, if that's the price._

" _This is it. One last time. If it doesn't work, we'll move on, and look at our other options."_

" _You said that last time, but here we are having the same discussion. I know you want to have another baby, but I can't watch you kill yourself for it. I need you. Scarlett needs you. You can't keep putting your life in danger."_

" _I know. But we made it to twelve weeks last time. We haven't made it that far since our first time after Scarlett! I just...I just have a good feeling about it, but I swear we'll stop after this." He raises an eyebrow, but she smiles and leans in for a kiss. "Savvy and Weiss just started the process to adopt again. We'll talk to them and look into it. If you want to, of course. Just give me one more chance."_

 _Her eyes are pleading and he can't resist. "One more chance."_

"...but Amber called me today."

She rolls over, looking vaguely interested. Exhausted, as usual, with perpetually puffy eyes, but interested. "Your sister?"

"Yup. She, um, she just had a baby. But she has a year and a half of college left, and she's hoping to go to med school after that. There's no father in the picture, and she doesn't think she can raise him alone, but she doesn't want him to end up in foster care so she wants us to take him."

Her response is so soft and so fast it doesn't even register. "Okay."

He continues on. "Obviously the timing is terrible, and it's a horrible idea because what if she finishes school and wants him back, but-"

"But you're going to tell her yes?" She's sitting up now, and there's a light in her eyes that he hasn't seen in weeks. "Right? You'll say yes? I mean, if it's really what she wants?"

"I don't know. I mean, Lord knows I don't want the kid going into the foster care system, but she could do a private adoption…"

"But you're family. Family is best."

He sighs, runs a hand down over his face. "Addison, we can't just jump into this! What will it do to you if she decides she wants him back? We need to get a lawyer, make sure it's all legal and she can't take him back-"

"And she should talk to a therapist and make sure this is really what she wants. But if that all works out...you want to do this. Right? He needs a family. We can give him that."

He knows what his answer is, but he's more concerned with her. "You're really okay with this? You're ready?"

"I can't promise that I'll magically be fine, and that every day will be great and I won't still miss Michael, but he needs us and...and I think maybe we need him so yeah, let's do it."

She's smiling now - it doesn't quite reach her eyes, but it's real, and it's hopeful - and he has to smile back. "Okay. Let's do it."


End file.
